The never ending existential crisis

I know I’m feeling this way because I just got my period and probably will feel completely differently in two days time. To be honest, thank fuck for my period finally showing up. My body is usually working like clockwork and I’m max. 1-2 days early/late. But this month I was 4 days late and started to think I got pregnant from all the protected sex I’m having.
It’s also raining. A lot. And so my plan to do my food shop has been postponed, and my day has lost any sort of direction. Again.

The last few days I’ve been feeling demotivated, lost and without a sense of purpose. Sometimes I think I’ve been feeling this way since the day I was born. With some occasional breaks in between, of course. I’m often jealous of my friends who seem to have their main sense of direction in life all figured it out and are happy about it. Or at least they’ve made peace with it. I’m jealous of my friend who is a doctor and just climbs the career ladder without ever questioning it. I’m jealous of my friend who is a mother of two and is happy to just be a mum with a regular part-time job. I’m even jealous of my friend who is constantly unhappy about his life but seems to be happy to be unhappy enough to not do anything about it.

I spent my 20s finding my way in life, trying thousands of different versions of who I could be. Usually, then realising that it’s not for me and moving onto something else. I did an online coding course to be a web designer, just to realise that it’s far too difficult and pretty boring. I did a nutrition course just to realise that I don’t want to make eating plans for people since I don’t actually believe in them. I believe in intuitive (vegan) eating with some occasional sweet treats. Basically whatever works for your body. I did a yoga teacher training and before I even got to find out that being a full-time yoga teacher is not at all sustainable, especially in a place like London, I got into sex work. And even though I’m 98% happy with my life, sometimes I feel like I should be doing more. Have something else on the side. Something else than just several different hobbies.

Of course, I like the freedom that I have and the fact I'm my own boss and make my own schedule, but it’s also tiring to constantly either being full on busy or not busy at all. There’s no balance, no predictability. Hard to plan anything because in the moment you make a plan for a certain day, you get a booking. When you have nothing planned for all week, you suddenly get no booking at all and you spend it wandering around with no sense of purpose. No sense of doing anything useful. That’s when the thoughts start to creep in….

Thousands of different directions I could be taking. Things I could be doing. Should I sign up for a marathon on every continent? Should I book this $3000 yoga retreat in Africa? Or rather this $2900 self-love retreat in Bali? Or I could finally sign up for that surfing course in Costa Rica I’ve been talking about for years. Wait, what if I go back wanting to be a yoga teacher and redo my training with a local studio I could then work for? 1–3 classes per week should give me some sense of fulfilment and also a feeling of community I’ve been really missing.
But then I also had an idea last night that I could work in PR. Why I never thought of being in public relations before? I love brands. I love parties. I love social media. I love working on my laptop in a café, replying to emails. And of course - I love Samantha Jones! But then… I guess I would have to study for it. And I’m already 32. Certainly, I’m too old to go to Uni now? And what if I change my mind again? Would it even be possible to have a proper vanilla career since I’m naked all over the internet?
But only one month ago, I was gonna be the sex worker version of Carrie Bradshaw. Working on my blog and enjoying London to its fullest. Well, but then the good old “I’m not good enough of a writer.” and “No one cares.” thoughts came back. Maybe I should just scratch that all. Perhaps I should focus on what I already do and what I already have. All these girls keep going to these wonderful destinations to work and maybe I should do the same Travel & work at the same time? Perfect! Dream of most people. But do I really want to spend thousands of pounds going to places like Hong Kong, Singapore or Australia with a big possibility of not turning it into profit? Am I willing to lose lots of money to then just be alone on the other side of the world, not feeling good/pretty/interesting enough?

Yes, my brain is chaotic, all over the place and quite frankly fucked. I wish I didn’t feel like this every couple of months. But luckily most of the time it just takes one certain booking to make me feel alive and like I’m doing something useful. Like I am where I’m supposed to be.

This is also one of the millions of struggles of being a woman. It’s hard to listen to your intuition when there are so many different voices in your head and so much is happening with your body. How do I know if I’m being hormonal or if the Universe is trying to tell me something? Push me into a certain direction?

To be honest, maybe I just need to have a crush to keep myself occupied. But I’m still not over my last relationship and quite possibly, I never will be. I think it was the last straw when it comes to my romantic life, and I simply do not want to put myself out there anymore. Even just the thought makes me wanna throw up. I’ll much rather live it though my tv shows and movies.

So, the right solution? Getting a dog. I just know that a dog would make my life so much better and would definitely give me a sense of purpose. Having someone to cuddle every single evening, a best friend who’s always by my side and unconditional love that goes both ways. Animals just make everything better. But I simply don’t think I can both financially and time-wise afford to have one just yet. But I’m really hoping that in the next five years it will happen for me. And then clients who come to visit me will have two little souls to cuddle. Wouldn’t that be adorable?

Thank you for reading my ramble.

Always
L. x